In 1997, a book called ‘The Ethical Slut’ was written, which detailed how one could open their relationship, explore polygamy and combat the all-too prevalent jealousy that exists in many monogamous couplings. In that book, the authors wrote that the definition of slut should be redefined to mean “a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”

I didn’t read that book until over ten years after it was published, but when I did it hit home so instantly and so powerfully for me. As someone who loves sex - loves having it and talking about it and watching it and thinking about it - I have spent a lot of time justifying myself to people. People who try and tell me that there is such a thing as too many partners, that I shouldn’t have casual sex with people (because no one will respect you if you do), that snogging strangers on the dance floor would lead to nothing but trouble.

People are threatened by a strong, confident sexual woman, you see. and people were threatened by me. How amazing is that? We’ve come along way from the days of the suffragettes, but we still apply this illogical double standard to men and women. Men are taught from a young age to be sexually aggressive, to spread their seed, to bang as many chicks as they can. Whereas women are taught to look sexy, but not have any actual sex. And at the same time, whilst telling them to look sexy, society is chastising anyone who looked ‘too’ sexy (or had had ‘too much’ sex in their lives) when they are sexually assaulted or raped. It’s crazy, right? It’s so very obviously fucked up, but is also so insidious in our culture that I sometimes forget how strong and confident I actually am, and retreat back into the shame and fear that our patriarchal society would try and keep me in.

In 2007, feminist and author Jessica Valenti, wrote in her call to arms for young feminists, ‘Full Frontal Feminism’;

“The only way to battle shame is with pride; we have to be proud of the choices we make and stand behind them. We have to take the power out of sexual insults like “whore’ and “slut”. There aren’t many feminists my age who don’t remember musician Kathleen Hanna scrawling SLUT across her stomach as a way to reclaim the word. We need to do the same thing, not just with the word, but with the idea. There is nothing wrong with having sex; don’t let anyone forget that.”

And so cut to 2011, where I am reflecting on being interviewed in the media, where my lengthy diatribe on slut-shaming was condensed to “Ms Clair is keen to reclaim the word “slut” as a source of pride, not shame. “I’ve spent my entire life being judged for my appearance and sexuality. I’m sexual, I have sex, I enjoy sex. I’m not going to be ashamed.”“ These bite-sized quotes have since been making their way to other news and opinion pieces across Australia and Overseas, and I’m seeing angry feminists telling me I am buying into the patriarchy and putting women in danger by my self-identification choices (and I have to wonder if any gay or lesbian person was told they were putting others in danger when they re-appropriated queer for themselves).

I worried about Smith having misquoted me like she did (minor gripe, but important to me - if you are going to put quotation marks around words and attribute them to me, please have it be the words I actually used). I worried about even entering into a discussion about the word ‘slut’, because it takes away from the very important anti-victim blaming message we are sending. I worried about losing friends over this when they refused to see me. Fuck, I even worried about my physical safety, because my picture was splashed all over these articles (which shows how deeply embedded the ‘don’t get raped’ message is in our heads), but I realise now that I have nothing to worry about.

Because I am proud. In fact, I am damn proud. I am proud of myself and of all the amazing, inspirational people around me who are involved with SlutWalk, in Melbourne, interstate and overseas. I am proud of our ability to stand up tall and proud, sluts and allies of all genders and ages, and say ‘FUCK YOU. WE AREN’T TO BLAME FOR YOUR CRIMES’ like Kathleen Hanna did all those years ago.

So every time you see a report in the media where they question someone’s sexual history or the length of their skirt; when the people in a community tut-tut about a girl being in ‘that’ neighbourhood; or suggest a rape victim ‘knew what she was in for’ when she went back to a guy’s house, or in any way, shape or form blame the victim for the terrible things that someone has done to them (and it is done to them, not with them, because no one is ever complicit in their rape or assault), I want you to know that I and many, many others won’t stand for it any more. Because it’s okay to dress anyway you want (but you don’t have to look sexy for anyone but yourself), and you can have sex with whomever you damn well please (do it safely, though) and nothing, nothing gives anyone the right to harrass, assault or rape you, and nothing gives anyone the right to blame you if you are harrassed, assaulted or raped.

We will fight this rape-apologising culture, and we will fight this victim-blaming attitude, and we will have your back, whether you are a ‘slut’ or not.

-Lauren Clair

(Co-organiser of SlutWalk Melbourne, Proud Feminist and Proud Slut)