Why are heads rolling at the ADFA?

reallyreallyreallytrying:

Bob Ellis yawned, stretched and prepared to go about his day the way he always went about his day, which was by cross-referencing everything with old TV shows and the Bible.

“Now, it seems, I’ll put on my slippers and walk to the bathroom,” he said to no one at all. “Let us examine how these two things, these two conveniences, these two potential receptacles for my urine cohere.”

Bob Ellis put on his spectacles, in order to look more like a pedantic old dick. EXCUSE ME: in order to look more like a very wise gentleman who knew a lot about TV shows and also the Bible.

“In the TV comedy Welcome Back Kotter, Kotter gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom whilst wearing his slippers. People walked to the bathroom in their slippers rather notably in the Bible, where Malachi got a spot of wee on his boxers and had to go get changed.”

Then Bob Ellis got out of bed and walked to the bathroom in his slippers and took a half hour to piss because that was how long it took him to work in references to Pinky and the Brain, Family Ties, Married With Children, Home Improvement, Sex and the City, King Of The Hill, Muppet Babies, Family Guy and the Bible, plus also his prostate wasn’t doing him any favours here.

Later, Bob Ellis planned to write an essay about how women should spend less time grumbling about being filmed with no clothes on and more time watching M*A*S*H and reading the Bible and then maybe they wouldn’t make such a fuss next time, but first he had to go down to the shops for some milk and honey.

“Milk and honey is regarded as a delicious balanced diet rather notably in the Bible, where Moses walked around the desert with the Israelites,” Bob Ellis said to no one, again, because no one could stand to be around him because he was a pompous and misogynistic old man. PARDON ME: he was very clever and witty.

Then Bob Ellis walked down the street. He walked past a homosexual man, who he winked at and pinched on the bottom because it seemed like something one of the girls from Sex and the City would do; he crossed the road to avoid a man of Arabic appearance, because you could never tell if they were going to be an Aladdin or a Jafar; and outside Coles he stoned a woman who was eating a prawn cocktail because he knew from the Bible to abhor shellfish.

Then he bought his milk and honey and went home to try and think of more inappropriate cultural references to justify his bigotry. PARDON ME: to continue to be an inexplicably respected voice in Australian politics.